What is Wrong With America Today
You always hear people complaining that America is not as good as it used to be. Unfortunately, this often gets blamed on the youth of America, of which I am a part. The solution as to what is wrong is quite simple, actually. Luckily, neither of the reasons can be blamed on me. In fact, they are the fault of major corporations, and I feel you should take it up with them. As soon as these two problems are taken care of, America will be back to its glory days. These two problems I speak of are the lack of Coconut Yoo-Hoo, and the lack of toys in cereal.
Up until approximately two years ago, there was nothing I enjoyed more than chugging down Coconut Yoo-Hoo. Then I started to notice a disturbing trend.... fewer and fewer stored were carrying it. Pretty soon the only places I knew of were a Quik Pick by my house, and a ghetto bodega near my school. This did not sit well with me. What had caused this shortage of Coconut Yoo-Hoo? There were plenty of new Yoo-Hoo flavors, and most of them were nauseating. Chocolate-Banana and Chocolate-Mint? What is this crap? The worst part of it was they went out of their way to insult me, by making a flavor called Chocolate-Coconut. First of all, this tasted awful, I really felt like vomiting after drinking it. Second of all, by combining these flavors they were ruining the two best drinks known to man : Chocolate and Coconut Yoo-Hoo. Why not keep them separated? Instead they come out with some bizarre amalgamation of those two flavors, and succeeding in creating one of the most rancid tasting drinks currently made. Eventually I learned that Coconut Yoo-Hoo had been discontinued from the Yoo-Hoo line. Despite the fact that violence might seem like the only solution to this problem, I urge you to call that number on the side of the Yoo-Hoo bottle and demand the return of Coconut. I say go back to the basics : chocolate, coconut, and I guess strawberry. I don't really like strawberry Yoo-Hoo (or Quik, but I don't like Quik in general), but it is a respectable flavor, so I say keep it. Once we get this Yoo-Hoo problem squared away, we will be in good shape.
There is one more disturbing problem that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Can someone explain why there are no more toys in cereal anymore? When I was little, I used to tear open my box of Pops, so I could get the sticky octopus to throw at the wall, and watch it crawl down. I chomped down Trix (back when they were just puffs, not fruit shaped) just so I could get another free M.U.S.C.L.E. man. Now what do children have to look forward to when they eat cereal, except cavities? I do not appreciate the way cereal companies gradually took them away, either, as if we wouldn't notice. When I was 5, you couldn't buy a box of sugar cereal without getting a prize. Some prizes were good, some were trash, but at least it was something. Slowly but surely, there were less and less toys in cereals. Oh, they tried to keep us from noticing, by giving lame promotions, where you would have to mail away to get a toy. Mail away, are you kidding me? I want to just stick my arm into the box and pull out my toy, not go to all the effort and potential danger of mailing away for my prize, and have to wait 5-6 weeks for it to come. You wonder why we have grown up pessimistic and disillusioned? Blame it on the cereal companies. We had to grow up, gradually losing what we loved : cereal toys. This happened when we were young, therefore scarring us for life. I am seriously considering speaking to a lawyer to see if I would have a chance at a successful lawsuit. I honestly wouldn't have minded it as much if the cereal companies were at least honest. Why not just print on the back of the box, "Screw you, kiddies, no more prizes for you!" Instead they have to sneak around, gradually taking them away from us. Most cereals have now resorted to printing lame board games on the back of their boxes. No thanks. I think the worst offender is Cap'n Crunch. Every year, they produce a line of inedible trash commonly known as "Christmas Crunch". It's bad enough that the Cap'n is the official symbol of pedophiles everywhere, but they try to pass their cereal off as toy friendly. They advertise Christmas ornaments on the front of the box, which seems great. Unfortunately, when you turn the box around you realize that the "ornaments" are just pictures you cut off the back of the box! I would like to commend Super Golden Crisp on at least trying to have toys. Every year they have a real ornament in their box (I think, at least that's what I recall), be it stuffed or molded plastic. It may not be much, but by God it's a toy, and that's what we need to see more of.
Thank You.
10/98